If there's one word to describe the past week and a half, it would be stress.
My computer broke, my iPod was lost in the mail and I had several personal crises.
I really need to get some actual school work done, as all of it has been put off to deal with multiple other issues. So I'm in the library now... but it's beautiful outside today. Sunny and warm. Well, not warm... but I didn't have to wear gloves biking today so for me, that's warm. And sun is always greatly appreciated. But unfortunately, I foresee a day of indoor library time.
On a more positive note - I've been trying to pick things out to look forward to so that I don't get all depressed about my stressful life and one of the things I've realized I can be excited for is next summer. I don't really have any definite plans and think it would be really awesome to maybe spend some time (a month? two months?) somewhere completely different. Maybe somewhere on the west coast? I think I need to escape New York for a while. Haha, wait... I think I already did that in coming to Amsterdam for 8 months. Oh well. I like California a lot and don't go to the west coast as often as I'd like so, we'll see.
I feel like I have so many options to explore in my life now. And I'm really, really happy about that. I'm so young and there's no reason why I should feel like my life is already planned out or should be planned out. I still want to do so many things and plan to do them.
Okay, procrastination over.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Cathexis
What I love most about studying sexuality is that I am constantly being proven wrong. Sexuality is something so intangible that it is impossible for there to ever really be a right answer... ideas are formed, then contradicted, then reformed, then contradicting again.
Today, after completing my reading assignment for my class about masculinity - an idea I've held onto pretty strongly for a while was definitely contradicted.
The idea involves the natural aspects of sexual desire. In academia, sexual desire is most often viewed as a socially constructed phenomenon. Some aspects of this idea I have always agreed with, and some I have always disagreed with. For example, the ways in which we chose to explore our sexuality are completely socially constructed. I don't believe anyone is born with a fetish for leather or even a desire for practicing something so common as the missionary position. (Therefore, no, I do not believe heterosexuality or homosexuality are "naturally" created occurrences.) What I always believed was that we were born with a general desire for sex/sexuality and that society (which is completely limiting) taught us what it is we desire. Of course society can work in the opposite way as well - as it often does - to teach us instead what we don't desire. But more than anything, unfortunately, because society isn't free from ideas of normalcy... it most often teaches us what we should or should not desire. Therefore, desire for sex is natural but the ways we express that desire are unnatural. (Unnatural meaning socially constructed.)
However, my ideas about this were thrown off as I read a part of R, W. Connell's book, entitled Masculinities.
Connell discusses the idea of cathexis - which according to wikipedia is a process of investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea. Connell relates this idea to gendered sexual desire. Gender order is an unmistakably socially constructed occurrence - but what I failed to see before is that our sexual desire is entirely related to this social construction. "The processes that shape and realize desire are thus an aspect of the gender order" (Connell 74). The following statement by Connell is what really convinced me - "It is striking that in our culture the non-gendered object choice, 'bisexual' desire, is ill-defined and unstable" (74). We are often incapable of understanding sexual desire without incorporating some kind of gendered object choice.
How can general sexual desire be a natural occurrence if it is constantly manifesting itself in a socially constructed (and gendered) object? Is it sex we desire or the object itself? I always thought it was sex but now I am not so sure. Sexual desire cannot exist without a specific socially constructed object choice and therefore, perhaps sexual desire is entirely social.
So, there you go. I was waiting for something to come along to prove me wrong about all of this and it finally did.
So, thank you, R.W. Connell for mentioning cathexis and thank you Freud for coming up with the idea in the first place. (Well - Freud came up with the German term besetzung which was then later translated into cathexis.)
Today, after completing my reading assignment for my class about masculinity - an idea I've held onto pretty strongly for a while was definitely contradicted.
The idea involves the natural aspects of sexual desire. In academia, sexual desire is most often viewed as a socially constructed phenomenon. Some aspects of this idea I have always agreed with, and some I have always disagreed with. For example, the ways in which we chose to explore our sexuality are completely socially constructed. I don't believe anyone is born with a fetish for leather or even a desire for practicing something so common as the missionary position. (Therefore, no, I do not believe heterosexuality or homosexuality are "naturally" created occurrences.) What I always believed was that we were born with a general desire for sex/sexuality and that society (which is completely limiting) taught us what it is we desire. Of course society can work in the opposite way as well - as it often does - to teach us instead what we don't desire. But more than anything, unfortunately, because society isn't free from ideas of normalcy... it most often teaches us what we should or should not desire. Therefore, desire for sex is natural but the ways we express that desire are unnatural. (Unnatural meaning socially constructed.)
However, my ideas about this were thrown off as I read a part of R, W. Connell's book, entitled Masculinities.
Connell discusses the idea of cathexis - which according to wikipedia is a process of investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea. Connell relates this idea to gendered sexual desire. Gender order is an unmistakably socially constructed occurrence - but what I failed to see before is that our sexual desire is entirely related to this social construction. "The processes that shape and realize desire are thus an aspect of the gender order" (Connell 74). The following statement by Connell is what really convinced me - "It is striking that in our culture the non-gendered object choice, 'bisexual' desire, is ill-defined and unstable" (74). We are often incapable of understanding sexual desire without incorporating some kind of gendered object choice.
How can general sexual desire be a natural occurrence if it is constantly manifesting itself in a socially constructed (and gendered) object? Is it sex we desire or the object itself? I always thought it was sex but now I am not so sure. Sexual desire cannot exist without a specific socially constructed object choice and therefore, perhaps sexual desire is entirely social.
So, there you go. I was waiting for something to come along to prove me wrong about all of this and it finally did.
So, thank you, R.W. Connell for mentioning cathexis and thank you Freud for coming up with the idea in the first place. (Well - Freud came up with the German term besetzung which was then later translated into cathexis.)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Happenings.
Well! Week 2 has come to an end and was substantially more enjoyable than week 1.
First of all, I had all of my classes aside from one - but that one doesn't begin until March 30th. Anyway, I like them all so far.
Dutch -- Bonny. So... you know it will be good. Haha. No, but I think I'll be ok at it. I had my doubts at first but I think I can handle memorizing vocab... maybe.
Religion and/as Media -- The teacher for this class is new, I think. Or relatively new. She's really soft spoken and sweet. Anyway, the class is totally about what I'm interested in and I'm really happy to be taking another religion class.
Moving Manhood -- Yeah, so this class is basically perfect for me. It's about masculinity in general but like all classes here, you can always kind of turn the class into what you want it to be by choosing what to write about each week and for the final paper. So, I will most likely focus on homosexuality and masculinity which is basically one of three top things I'm interested in studying, so it's awesome. The teacher seems great too - and I think he might be the boyfriend/partner of my sexuality teacher last semester. Which, if true, would be awesome.
The Meaning of Having Children in Cultural Perspectives -- (This class hasn't started yet.) Although I took it because I one day want to work with schools and their sexual education/general policies on dealing with kids from non-traditional families and/or kids that feel they might be gay, transgender, etc. So I'm hoping I can focus predominantly on that in the class.
Lets see... Oh, so the gym has been going well I guess. Haven't seen many results yet but I know it's only been 2 weeks. I found something that I love though. It's called the cardio wave and I just found the most hilariously cheesy video about it so I have to post it --
Haha. But yeah... I was super close to breaking every elliptical trainer that existed because I was so sick of it. So I'm quite happy to have found something else to do.
Oh and I also created a flickr page. I never really had anywhere to put my photography and I think partly for that reason, I stopped doing it a lot. But I love it. And always have. And I really want to invest in some lenses and stuff because I think I have a pretty Ok camera that would be even better with some accessories. Anyway, here's the link - http://www.flickr.com/photos/anyakaats/
So, overall... I'm excited for this semester. I'm especially excited for it to get warm out. All I want to do is go to parks/tulip fields and take pictures. And I'm also excited because I finally met some people I really like. So that's always uplifting.
Well, I guess it's time for my weekly dose of vanity in the form of daily photobooth pictures. Haha.
WEEK TWO
First of all, I had all of my classes aside from one - but that one doesn't begin until March 30th. Anyway, I like them all so far.
Dutch -- Bonny. So... you know it will be good. Haha. No, but I think I'll be ok at it. I had my doubts at first but I think I can handle memorizing vocab... maybe.
Religion and/as Media -- The teacher for this class is new, I think. Or relatively new. She's really soft spoken and sweet. Anyway, the class is totally about what I'm interested in and I'm really happy to be taking another religion class.
Moving Manhood -- Yeah, so this class is basically perfect for me. It's about masculinity in general but like all classes here, you can always kind of turn the class into what you want it to be by choosing what to write about each week and for the final paper. So, I will most likely focus on homosexuality and masculinity which is basically one of three top things I'm interested in studying, so it's awesome. The teacher seems great too - and I think he might be the boyfriend/partner of my sexuality teacher last semester. Which, if true, would be awesome.
The Meaning of Having Children in Cultural Perspectives -- (This class hasn't started yet.) Although I took it because I one day want to work with schools and their sexual education/general policies on dealing with kids from non-traditional families and/or kids that feel they might be gay, transgender, etc. So I'm hoping I can focus predominantly on that in the class.
Lets see... Oh, so the gym has been going well I guess. Haven't seen many results yet but I know it's only been 2 weeks. I found something that I love though. It's called the cardio wave and I just found the most hilariously cheesy video about it so I have to post it --
Haha. But yeah... I was super close to breaking every elliptical trainer that existed because I was so sick of it. So I'm quite happy to have found something else to do.
Oh and I also created a flickr page. I never really had anywhere to put my photography and I think partly for that reason, I stopped doing it a lot. But I love it. And always have. And I really want to invest in some lenses and stuff because I think I have a pretty Ok camera that would be even better with some accessories. Anyway, here's the link - http://www.flickr.com/photos/anyakaats/
So, overall... I'm excited for this semester. I'm especially excited for it to get warm out. All I want to do is go to parks/tulip fields and take pictures. And I'm also excited because I finally met some people I really like. So that's always uplifting.
Well, I guess it's time for my weekly dose of vanity in the form of daily photobooth pictures. Haha.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
one week down.
So, I've been here a week. Longest week of my life.
Still have gotten (nearly) nowhere in the socializing/friends department. But I'm less concerned about it than I was. There are definitely a few people I like and hopefully when I get more settled (and figure out a better going to the gym schedule that doesn't cut into other social activities) things will work themselves out.
Speaking of the gym - I have such a love/hate relationship with exercising. I think everyone does though. I mean... I hate it. It's an awful feeling to be sweaty and not be able to catch your breath. Of course, the after effects feel great but that's about it. I also think it's impossible for me to go to the gym in the morning because I don't feel fully awake until I take a shower and there's no point in taking a shower before going to the gym so I end up going at night. Which is ok, I guess... but tonight I could have made dinner with some people but knew I had to go to the gym so I did that instead. I need to not go to the gym at 8:00pm anymore, at least.
Even harder than the working out thing, though is eating well. It's not the foods themselves that are the problems... I generally like a lot of food that's healthy but it's the portions. The one thing I have a problem with is overeating. Especially salty foods. I could eat an entire bag of chips without thinking twice... after I've already eaten a full meal. So that's the kind of thing I really can't do anymore obviously and it's really, really hard to stop and/or find an alternative. I suppose maybe after a while my body will get used to not consuming that much crap but right now I'm really, really struggling with it. I haven't slipped or anything but it's requiring a ton of will power. Anyway, I want to lose 15 or so pounds because I gained that much in the past year and a half and I'd like to not look like a flabby rhino. Ha.
Anyway, had my first class today - Dutch. Not really all that exciting because Bonny teaches it and I pretty much knew what it was going to be like. But... we'll have to see how the whole memorization/tests/studying thing goes because I am completely horrible at all three of those things. Write a 20 page paper? Fine. Take a vocab test? Forget about it. Either way - I'm glad I'm taking it and hopefully I won't crash and burn.
OH and it's been a week so here is the beginning of daily pictures. I don't really know why I'm doing this - it's a little strange but I think it will be interesting when I have 4 months worth.
Bye, folks!
Still have gotten (nearly) nowhere in the socializing/friends department. But I'm less concerned about it than I was. There are definitely a few people I like and hopefully when I get more settled (and figure out a better going to the gym schedule that doesn't cut into other social activities) things will work themselves out.
Speaking of the gym - I have such a love/hate relationship with exercising. I think everyone does though. I mean... I hate it. It's an awful feeling to be sweaty and not be able to catch your breath. Of course, the after effects feel great but that's about it. I also think it's impossible for me to go to the gym in the morning because I don't feel fully awake until I take a shower and there's no point in taking a shower before going to the gym so I end up going at night. Which is ok, I guess... but tonight I could have made dinner with some people but knew I had to go to the gym so I did that instead. I need to not go to the gym at 8:00pm anymore, at least.
Even harder than the working out thing, though is eating well. It's not the foods themselves that are the problems... I generally like a lot of food that's healthy but it's the portions. The one thing I have a problem with is overeating. Especially salty foods. I could eat an entire bag of chips without thinking twice... after I've already eaten a full meal. So that's the kind of thing I really can't do anymore obviously and it's really, really hard to stop and/or find an alternative. I suppose maybe after a while my body will get used to not consuming that much crap but right now I'm really, really struggling with it. I haven't slipped or anything but it's requiring a ton of will power. Anyway, I want to lose 15 or so pounds because I gained that much in the past year and a half and I'd like to not look like a flabby rhino. Ha.
Anyway, had my first class today - Dutch. Not really all that exciting because Bonny teaches it and I pretty much knew what it was going to be like. But... we'll have to see how the whole memorization/tests/studying thing goes because I am completely horrible at all three of those things. Write a 20 page paper? Fine. Take a vocab test? Forget about it. Either way - I'm glad I'm taking it and hopefully I won't crash and burn.
OH and it's been a week so here is the beginning of daily pictures. I don't really know why I'm doing this - it's a little strange but I think it will be interesting when I have 4 months worth.
WEEK ONE
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