Big decisions

I have decided to put my livejournal (which I have had since I was 13, and rarely update) to rest and begin anew with this blog.

I have been in Amsterdam now for a little over two months. I immediately fell in love with the city and have grown to love it more and more each day. (Even with the current weather - rain, rain, rain with some freezing cold thrown in there.) I have never before felt so enriched and challenged by an environment or city. Everything about Amsterdam and its culture inspires me and I have learned a great deal about myself, my values and my goals since I've been here.

Because of all of those things, I, as of yesterday, decided that I want to return to Amsterdam for the Spring semester. To be honest, I have wanted to stay ever since I heard it was a possibility but never really admitted it to myself, until yesterday. For the past 24 hours I have been dealing with everything involved with my decision to extend... emotions, logistics, etc and I feel extremely drained, both mentally and physically.

I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. I know that in one and a half months time, I will not be ready to leave for good. And I know that if I do not return, I would feel an immense amount of regret and resent. Of course, my decision to stay has been anything but easy. I feel a lot of guilt toward the fact that I will not be as present as I'd hoped for the band and of course the majority of the guilt/sadness I feel is the fact that I will be away from Christian for more time than originally planned. Although I have been having a terrific experience, it's very hard not to be able to share that experience with him. I know he would love it here too. And I hope that eventually, he will realize that this experience is what's best for me right now and that in the end, it will be what is best for our relationship. However, I am aware that my decision to stay has broken multiple commitments I made previously... and I feel quite awful about that.

But being here has made me realize that you really never know what to expect and that things can change so immediately and so drastically without any warning. (I made my decision to stay in Amsterdam while eating at my favorite soup place, realizing that I did not want the day to come when I would have to have my last cup of soup. That was only the beginning of my reasoning, of course...) As much as I wish I could keep the commitments I made before I left, I feel very passionately about staying here and know that I will be a better person because of it. I am human and humans make mistakes. I made the mistake of underestimating how influential this experience would be on my life, but I cannot suffer and blame myself for that mistake. I have to move forward and continue on the path that I really, truly believe is the best path for me and I hope that soon, everyone will be able to accept that in their own way.

I will still be returning to Nyack for over a month during winter break. (December 18th - January 28th) I am very, very excited to go home for that time. I can't wait to write music, read some books I've been dying to read but haven't had the time, drink chai lattes in starbucks red christmas cups, eat temptations cupcakes (with dana!!) and just be around the people that I love during the holidays. That's all I want for the time I'm home... to spend as much time as possible with the people that I care about. I don't doubt that it will be hard to leave again after that time... but I am very, very confident in my decision.

In the Spring, I plan to take the Dutch course that I didn't take this semester. I also want to join the gym and spend a lot more time outdoors which will be much more possible when tulip season rolls around. The only sad part about staying is that most of my friends from this semester won't be returning for the Spring... but I guess I'll just have to make new ones. (Although my old friends BETTER come visit.)

Alright, well I suppose I'll go make dinner for myself and get ready for museumnacht. (www.n8.nl)

Oh, by the way... I am also getting a tattoo. (My first one.) I'm a tad nervous but mostly very excited for it. I'll provide more details in the near future.

Hope everyone is doing well.

And much love from Amsterdam!