Schiermonnikoog, Music & Queens Day

Well, this past weekend as I mentioned before, CIEE took our program to the northern, west Frisian island of Schiermonnikoog. It was, to say the least, an absolutely fantastic trip. Nature, beaches, bonfires, bbqs, sunbathing, mudwalking, biking... it was perfect. Here are some pictures -

Mudflat walking at 6am -

Surrealist beach -

Beach bonfire -


Basically, Schiermonnikoog was a super Dutch version of Fire Island. So, given that Fire Island is one of my favorite places in the world, I loved Schiermonnikoog as well. (My only complaint is that it was a little too farm-y... and smelled a bit like cow shit, but hey, things could be worse.) It made me extremely nostalgic for Fire Island though. So I need to plan a trip back asap.

In other news, I have changed the topic of my religion and media paper. I was going to write about Focus on the Family but I decided against it. I figured I'd give myself a break from writing about sex/sexuality/homosexuality, etc. Because literally all of my final papers in Amsterdam thus far have been about that and I deserve to give myself a break. Sooo, I have decided to write about modern "Christian rock" music, focusing on Relient K and MxPx.


Anyway, I am going to focus on how each band uses their religion in their music, their public image, etc vis a vis lyrics, interviews, talking at shows, etc. I'm definitely very excited - and its a plus that I like both bands so I won't be annoyed listening to their music.

In other news, Thursday is Queens Day. For those of you that don't know, Queens Day (aka Koninginnedag) is a national Dutch holiday to celebrate the Queen's birthday. (Well, not the present Queen because her birthday is on January 31st... not exactly the best weather for a national outdoor celebration... so they celebrate it on April 30th which was the birthday of Queen Juliana.) Basically, the entire centre of Amsterdam is shut down, which includes trams, stores, etc.


Everyone wears orange (the national color), gets extraordinarily drunk and just... parties. There are tons and tons of boats on the canal ring, lots of markets, "garage" sales, live music, and apparently lots of drunk Dutch men peeing all over the place. I'm really excited for it and hopefully the weather will be nice. Yesterday is said it would be cloudy, today it says it will be sunny. So I'm praying it stays like that. We'll see.

Alright well, I have an insane amount of work to get done before Queens Day (I didn't go to class this morning so I could finish it... ha) so I better get back to that.

I'm completely unsure of... everything.

I promised myself I wouldn't update this until I got settled in here again and started classes. But, here we are. I obviously have no will power in this area.

First of all, I am still very much in love with this city.

However, being a second-semester student here surrounded by a bunch of new people has so far been awkward, disheartening and confusing. Perhaps my memory is wrong, but last semester I remember clicking with people instantly and instantly feeling like I wouldn't have a hard time making friends. This semester, not so much. Partly, I think this is because the 3 other full year students and I don't really fit anywhere. We're comfortable in the city but all of our friends have left so in a way we're all new again and looking for new people and new experiences. Plus, we are unavoidably comparing everyone that's new this semester to the people we got close with last semester. (Maybe I shouldn't be talking for everyone... but I'm pretty positive from what I've heard that we all feel the same way.) So, we're kinda new but kinda not. Plus, all of the orientation activities aren't required of us - nor is it necessary for us to go to nearly any of them. So I've been showing up at some things but not others... and someone who disappears for the majority of the day and only shows up once if at all per day isn't someone that anyone is really going to remember. On top of which, we're kind of being treated as "leaders" by our program staff... which isn't something any of us really signed up for. I'm happy of course to help out everyone that's new but not on this awkward last minute/we're not really needed basis.

I don't know why I'm surprised at how different this semester is so far - I knew it would be different. I guess I just didn't know in what ways.

I'm trying to stay positive and just believe that everything will eventually work itself out and I will find different things to focus on - things that weren't available to me last semester. For instance, a job. I might become a tour guide. I went on one of the tours today and I have really mixed feelings. First of all, it was fucking freezing. Second of all, although it was good, I know my tour wouldn't be anything like the tour I went on today, because obviously I have my own style and personality. I'm just hoping that I'm good enough to do something like that. Thirdly, it seems like a lot of work - there is a script you work off of but its kind of up to you to add info and do your own research. And lastly... (well, the major tour I'd be working) is a free tour. Which means I'd be working off of tips. So obviously, there are very good days but also very bad days. I'm just wondering if I want to put in all this effort to work a couple days a week and possibly make no money sometimes. Overall, though... I DO want to make money and maybe I should do this even though it seems like a challenge. We'll see... I'll make a decision tomorrow or the next day.

Anyway, I'm anxious (to say the least) about the upcoming semester. I'm excited now to start classes (although I just learned there may be a slight problem with one of them and I may not be able to take it... which is really unfortunate) and get things going so that I have something to focus on. Plus, although it's been hard because I've been especially busy and exhausted I am planning on going to the gym at least 5 times a week. (I can get free personal training! How awesome is that?!) Hopefully even if I don't make an army of friends I'll have enough things to do to keep me busy.

Okay... so I feel like I'm acting a lot more hopeful than I actually am. To be honest, I'm pretty terrified of having a terrible time. I don't know how I met such amazing people last semester and I'm worried that it won't happen again. I'm such a nervous wreck about wanting things to work themselves out... it's just so easy to expect the worst and really hard to just expect things will get better.

Anyway, today was a really rough day. Especially since it started with me having the really awesome idea of taking a multi-vitamin, a vitamin-c vitamin, a birth control pill and airborne all on an empty stomach and then scarfing down a banana. I threw up about 5 minutes later then immediately had to leave to go spend 4 hours walking around Amsterdam in the freezing cold. So, I was going to go out tonight and try to be social again but I'm just way too exhausted and equally unenthusiastic to do anything or go anywhere.

Okay, enough with this complaining.

Oh, and PS - Christian convinced me to take one picture of myself, per every day that I'm here and post them weekly. So, get ready for that... which will begin on Tuesday. Ha.

So, I've been home in NY for a little over a month and this afternoon I am leaving for Amsterdam once again.

After coming back from there a month ago, everything seemed so familiar and normal back home that Amsterdam and all the people I met there felt like a dream. But now that I'm going back, it makes it a lot less dream-like. Which I guess is good?

Oddly enough, I feel a lot more nervous going to Amsterdam this time than I did the last time. Last time I had no idea what to expect, so I didn't really have anything to be nervous about. But this time, I am afraid that I won't be as infiltrated in the "group" as I was before. Group meaning CIEE. There were 40 students last semester and there are 60 this year. Some of them were placed in housing further away than anyone was last semester. (I feel bad for them. Location seems to make or break peoples experience in Amsterdam.) Not only are people more spread out around the city, but because I have already been there and because I won't be able to or won't want to participate in all of the orientation activities, I feel like I'll be a lot more isolated. I don't actually think I'll make no friends - but I doubt I'll find three awesome CIEE people who live next door to me, like I did last time. I guess I just have to accept that it will be different... but that's easier said than done. Worse comes to worse, I love the city... even if I'm alone in it.

I'm a little nervous about classes but not too much. I made it through last time... I guess I can do it again. The classes I'm taking are -
1. Moving Manhood (A class about masculinity and how it's perceived around the world.)
2. The Meaning of Having Children in Different Cultures (Pretty self-explanatory.)
3. Religion and/as Media (Not quite sure what this class will be like... but it seems awesome.)
4. Beginning Dutch (Skipped out on it last semester - if it weren't for this class, I would only have class Monday-Wednesday like last semester... but I have to at least try to learn Dutch, even if it's only offered on Thursdays.)

In terms of school, I'm really really glad I chose to go to Amsterdam and chose to stay there for the whole year. They offer so many more classes than Sarah Lawrence does in terms of what I want to study - Gender/Sexuality. So as crappy as it is to be away from people and miss them - academically, Amsterdam was definitely the right choice.

Speaking of which, given that after this year I'll only have one more year of college... I have begun to casually contemplate my future and how it relates to what I've spent my life doing during these past years. I have no idea (well, I have a couple ideas) about how I would do what I want to do but, I want to somehow severely alter the content and teaching techniques of sexual education in America, beginning in elementary school. Hopefully next fall I can get some kind of internship that will hopefully give me more insight into how I could eventually attempt to do what I want to do. And then how to tackle my desire of still wanting to pursue both acting and the band... and trying to hopefully find some way to tie them all in.

Anyway, enough about that.

My goals for this semester in Amsterdam are -
1. Be more confident that things will eventually work themselves out.
2. Eat significantly healthier than I have in a long time and go to the gym as much as possible. I always used to deny that eating healthy and going to the gym actually made me feel "better" and "happier"... but I really miss it. (My triumph over unhealthy foods will be quite difficult, I imagine... but I'll do it... hopefully.)
3. Get a job? I hope so.
4. I'll be ready to go home. Although that's not so much a goal - I already know I'll be ready to come home.
5. Writing music -- shut up Christian.
6. Eat an incredible amount of pumpkin soup from soup en zo.

Okay, next post will come from Nederland. Weird.

Big decisions

I have decided to put my livejournal (which I have had since I was 13, and rarely update) to rest and begin anew with this blog.

I have been in Amsterdam now for a little over two months. I immediately fell in love with the city and have grown to love it more and more each day. (Even with the current weather - rain, rain, rain with some freezing cold thrown in there.) I have never before felt so enriched and challenged by an environment or city. Everything about Amsterdam and its culture inspires me and I have learned a great deal about myself, my values and my goals since I've been here.

Because of all of those things, I, as of yesterday, decided that I want to return to Amsterdam for the Spring semester. To be honest, I have wanted to stay ever since I heard it was a possibility but never really admitted it to myself, until yesterday. For the past 24 hours I have been dealing with everything involved with my decision to extend... emotions, logistics, etc and I feel extremely drained, both mentally and physically.

I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. I know that in one and a half months time, I will not be ready to leave for good. And I know that if I do not return, I would feel an immense amount of regret and resent. Of course, my decision to stay has been anything but easy. I feel a lot of guilt toward the fact that I will not be as present as I'd hoped for the band and of course the majority of the guilt/sadness I feel is the fact that I will be away from Christian for more time than originally planned. Although I have been having a terrific experience, it's very hard not to be able to share that experience with him. I know he would love it here too. And I hope that eventually, he will realize that this experience is what's best for me right now and that in the end, it will be what is best for our relationship. However, I am aware that my decision to stay has broken multiple commitments I made previously... and I feel quite awful about that.

But being here has made me realize that you really never know what to expect and that things can change so immediately and so drastically without any warning. (I made my decision to stay in Amsterdam while eating at my favorite soup place, realizing that I did not want the day to come when I would have to have my last cup of soup. That was only the beginning of my reasoning, of course...) As much as I wish I could keep the commitments I made before I left, I feel very passionately about staying here and know that I will be a better person because of it. I am human and humans make mistakes. I made the mistake of underestimating how influential this experience would be on my life, but I cannot suffer and blame myself for that mistake. I have to move forward and continue on the path that I really, truly believe is the best path for me and I hope that soon, everyone will be able to accept that in their own way.

I will still be returning to Nyack for over a month during winter break. (December 18th - January 28th) I am very, very excited to go home for that time. I can't wait to write music, read some books I've been dying to read but haven't had the time, drink chai lattes in starbucks red christmas cups, eat temptations cupcakes (with dana!!) and just be around the people that I love during the holidays. That's all I want for the time I'm home... to spend as much time as possible with the people that I care about. I don't doubt that it will be hard to leave again after that time... but I am very, very confident in my decision.

In the Spring, I plan to take the Dutch course that I didn't take this semester. I also want to join the gym and spend a lot more time outdoors which will be much more possible when tulip season rolls around. The only sad part about staying is that most of my friends from this semester won't be returning for the Spring... but I guess I'll just have to make new ones. (Although my old friends BETTER come visit.)

Alright, well I suppose I'll go make dinner for myself and get ready for museumnacht. (www.n8.nl)

Oh, by the way... I am also getting a tattoo. (My first one.) I'm a tad nervous but mostly very excited for it. I'll provide more details in the near future.

Hope everyone is doing well.

And much love from Amsterdam!