I'm completely unsure of... everything.

I promised myself I wouldn't update this until I got settled in here again and started classes. But, here we are. I obviously have no will power in this area.

First of all, I am still very much in love with this city.

However, being a second-semester student here surrounded by a bunch of new people has so far been awkward, disheartening and confusing. Perhaps my memory is wrong, but last semester I remember clicking with people instantly and instantly feeling like I wouldn't have a hard time making friends. This semester, not so much. Partly, I think this is because the 3 other full year students and I don't really fit anywhere. We're comfortable in the city but all of our friends have left so in a way we're all new again and looking for new people and new experiences. Plus, we are unavoidably comparing everyone that's new this semester to the people we got close with last semester. (Maybe I shouldn't be talking for everyone... but I'm pretty positive from what I've heard that we all feel the same way.) So, we're kinda new but kinda not. Plus, all of the orientation activities aren't required of us - nor is it necessary for us to go to nearly any of them. So I've been showing up at some things but not others... and someone who disappears for the majority of the day and only shows up once if at all per day isn't someone that anyone is really going to remember. On top of which, we're kind of being treated as "leaders" by our program staff... which isn't something any of us really signed up for. I'm happy of course to help out everyone that's new but not on this awkward last minute/we're not really needed basis.

I don't know why I'm surprised at how different this semester is so far - I knew it would be different. I guess I just didn't know in what ways.

I'm trying to stay positive and just believe that everything will eventually work itself out and I will find different things to focus on - things that weren't available to me last semester. For instance, a job. I might become a tour guide. I went on one of the tours today and I have really mixed feelings. First of all, it was fucking freezing. Second of all, although it was good, I know my tour wouldn't be anything like the tour I went on today, because obviously I have my own style and personality. I'm just hoping that I'm good enough to do something like that. Thirdly, it seems like a lot of work - there is a script you work off of but its kind of up to you to add info and do your own research. And lastly... (well, the major tour I'd be working) is a free tour. Which means I'd be working off of tips. So obviously, there are very good days but also very bad days. I'm just wondering if I want to put in all this effort to work a couple days a week and possibly make no money sometimes. Overall, though... I DO want to make money and maybe I should do this even though it seems like a challenge. We'll see... I'll make a decision tomorrow or the next day.

Anyway, I'm anxious (to say the least) about the upcoming semester. I'm excited now to start classes (although I just learned there may be a slight problem with one of them and I may not be able to take it... which is really unfortunate) and get things going so that I have something to focus on. Plus, although it's been hard because I've been especially busy and exhausted I am planning on going to the gym at least 5 times a week. (I can get free personal training! How awesome is that?!) Hopefully even if I don't make an army of friends I'll have enough things to do to keep me busy.

Okay... so I feel like I'm acting a lot more hopeful than I actually am. To be honest, I'm pretty terrified of having a terrible time. I don't know how I met such amazing people last semester and I'm worried that it won't happen again. I'm such a nervous wreck about wanting things to work themselves out... it's just so easy to expect the worst and really hard to just expect things will get better.

Anyway, today was a really rough day. Especially since it started with me having the really awesome idea of taking a multi-vitamin, a vitamin-c vitamin, a birth control pill and airborne all on an empty stomach and then scarfing down a banana. I threw up about 5 minutes later then immediately had to leave to go spend 4 hours walking around Amsterdam in the freezing cold. So, I was going to go out tonight and try to be social again but I'm just way too exhausted and equally unenthusiastic to do anything or go anywhere.

Okay, enough with this complaining.

Oh, and PS - Christian convinced me to take one picture of myself, per every day that I'm here and post them weekly. So, get ready for that... which will begin on Tuesday. Ha.