Stress!

I feel very overwhelmed with school work and need to clear my head before I delve into research, outlining, etc.

To be honest, I am extremely good at getting school work done. Procrastination has never been an issue for me (at least not since college because I'm actually interested in what I study)... and I am constantly finishing things long before they are due. Yes, this sounds like a great work ethic but it also has its downfalls. Unlike most people who stress out about everything last minute... I stress out about getting everything done early. I really can't enjoy anything if I have looming obligations over my head so I isolate myself until I feel satisfied with the work I've accomplished. Normally, when I only have two or three small things to do, I don't get very stressed out. I set aside a specific time each day to finish at least one assignment and then reward myself with... I don't know, a television show. Haha. But when the assignments are larger, it's not as easy to stay relaxed.

I have already written one of my 15-page final papers which isn't due until the 15th of December. Although I still have to edit it and add a few things, I'm pretty much finished with it. I then have two other 10-15 page papers to write which I really haven't started at all. So, at the moment, those two looming papers are definitely stressing me out. One is due on the 5th of December and the other isn't due until January 14th but I'm planning to finish it by December 7th. Which means, I have Thursday through Sunday of this week to write one paper and then Thursday through Sunday of the following week to write the other one. I haven't yet been to the public library here which I hear is beautiful, so I think I'm just going to spend lots and lots of time there over the next couple weeks.

It's strange because I'm stressed out but I don't really know what I'm stressed out about. I know that I'll get them done, but I suppose I'm worried they won't be as fun or as easy to write as I'm hoping they'll be. Easy meaning that I won't be annoyed writing them. I always really try to pick topics that I'm really interested in because the worst thing is having to write 15 pages about something you don't care about. It took me only two days to write the paper I completed already and I think that's because it was something I was really interested in. It compares the Netherlands and the United States, focusing on whether or not the Christian population in each country can be said to have an affect on the legality concerning abortion, euthanasia and same-sex marriage in both places.

The two papers I have yet to write about are 1. Comparing the gay rights movements in both the Netherlands and the United States following WWII and 2. Homosexuality in Japan. This last topic is a bit strange for me as I have never been all that interested in learning about homosexuality in Asia but I think it will be fun to branch out. I'm hoping to learn something interesting about the strong family values present in Japan and how that could affect views on homosexuality and perhaps also something about Buddhism and it's effect. I'm slightly worried about the Japan paper because I know literally nothing about Japan and fear I might get overwhelmed. Plus, I always write way too much. I never really realize how short 10-15 pages actually is and suddenly I have way to much information to fit into that amount of space. I find it extraordinarily difficult to condense information. I never know what to leave in and what to take out.

Anyway, tonight I am going to try and finish an optional outline for my Japan paper and send it to my teacher. If I don't finish it tonight, I'll have to finish it tomorrow because I want to get started on my other paper on Thursday. Plus, tomorrow I will have barely any time to do anything because I have class all day then have to cook some food for my program's Thanksgiving dinner. I opted only to cook two vegetable dishes because I knew they wouldn't take very long.

Oh and tomorrow is Christian's birthday which I am very sad to be missing... for the second time in a row. It sucks. But I sent him a birthday package which I hope he gets soon/enjoys.

Embracing the eccentricity of my life.

This morning was spent listening to Bach cello suites, eating toast with cream cheese and olives and reading numerous articles for a class... one of which was entitled, "The Catacombs: A Temple of the Butthole." I feel as if my life has become quite odd, to say the least.

Actually, that article in particular was quite fascinating. It was about a group of primarily gay men who formed a community in San Fransico in an, "Underground establishment where twentieth-century sexual heretics could practice their own rites and rituals in a situation that was insulated, as much as possible, from the curious and hostile." The article explained that of course not only was their community shunned and feared but that if studied, could and can reveal a great deal about not only the gay subculture and its emergence in San Fransisco but also about AIDS and the tremendous stories of so many people whose lives had to be kept secret. It was actually extremely moving, especially this quote, "Many of the men who frequented the Catacombs found relationships there that have sustained them through time, nurtured them with affection, cared for them in sickness, and buried them in sorrow." It reminded me a lot of the end of Angels in America when Prior Walter says, "This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all. And the dead will be commemorated and will struggle on with the living. And we are not going away. We won’t die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We are citizens. The time has come.” I really need to bring that play back with me to Amsterdam... or the movie, or both... I miss reading/watching it. Some people have the Bible, I have Angels in America.

The past three days have been spent doing endless amounts of work. It hasn't been annoying work, though. The only thing that was a bit painful to write was an essay about different types of abortions. I'm completely pro-choice but reading about the different kinds of abortions, specifically the ones that are performed during the third trimester... it was scary. Really scary. I feel terrible for my teacher that he has to read it. Haha. The class is Contemporary Dutch Social Policy and we are told to write a paper about something having to do with the topic at hand (which is abortion and/or euthanasia), either relating it to the Netherlands or not. I really wish I hadn't chose what I chose, given that it's more scientific in nature than anything, and I'm honestly afraid of getting a bad grade because it's a disgusting paper to read.

But, aside from the nauseating abortion paper, I'm actually enjoying the seclusion and time indoors. A good amount of my friends are in Paris this weekend and although I wish I could spend time with them... it's quite nice to have an extended period of time just for myself.

Oh, right... and two days ago I got a tattoo. I love it. It is still healing and doesn't look all that great right now, so I am going to wait to take a picture of it until it's healed.

Until next time...

Excuse my outburst....

I know that I should still be basking in the joy of knowing who are next president will be... but over the past few days I have become more and more disturbed at how prejudiced so much of our country really is.

I suppose everyone who voted for McCain, and was disappointed, has a right to be upset. All of us Bush-haters have certainly expressed our anger and frustration over the past 8 years and I suppose the Republicans have that right too. Not suppose, of course they do.

However... Something really weird and disturbing is going on that I've never really seen before. I've talked to many people who have been quite surprised at some of the things popping up on their facebook pages. Status's that read - "HAIL HITLER!! if you voted Obama, congratulations.. your a fucking idiot!! bye bye capitalism, hello communism. at least i voted SMART." Or "Thanks all you nazis for voting for Hitler... we're gonna have a great country now you FUCKING LIBERAL MORONS!"

Ok... so again, people have a right to be upset but in my opinion, this is crossing a line. I got myself involved arguing with someone via facebook (the person who wrote the hail hitler thing) and although I regret getting myself involved, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. In the end, this girl ended up calling me a "liberal homo terrorist communist" and a "hitler loving nazi." Ok, first of all... I'm the nazi? The jew with a major in GLBT studies, with a gay dad, who voted for a black man? Seriously? I'm the nazi? Secondly... Hitler and the nazi party were avidly against communism, so to call anyone a communist nazi doesn't even make sense. And of course, after spewing out all of these historical facts and personal feelings, I got absolutely no where and ended up feeling completely embarrassed that I had wasted a good amount of time trying to prove her wrong. Because I knew from the beginning I would get no where. But how do I not step in? How do I not get personally offended? I don't know the answers to these questions.

So I went through my friends list and started to delete anyone who's status said anything that I believed to be absurdly prejudiced in any way. I did this because I knew that if I didn't, I would start arguing with everyone. And I didn't want to do that.

It's also a very strange feeling to know you've won an argument (hitler wasn't a communist, your status is completely offensive to millions of people, etc) but not have the other person admit they were wrong. Hitler was not a communist and this girl explained to me that my "facts" were "bullshit." I think that's my greatest fault in life... to assume that everyone will be able to admit when they're wrong and to apologize when they say something that offends someone else, regardless of whether or not it was intentional. I was raised with the idea that it's vital to apologize, even when you mean no harm toward others... if someone is hurt by what you've said or done it's so important to acknowledge that persons feelings and learn how to act or express yourself differently in the future. But I guess not everyone believes that. I guess not everyone knows when to back down, or how to re-evaluate the expression of one's own opinions. I always assume that people do and am constantly let down.

I also have a really hard time not taking things personally. This girl on facebook, who I barely know, did not have me in mind when she composed her facebook status. But how could I NOT get personally offended? When I explained to her why I was personally offended, she explained that she didn't give a shit about how Jewish I was, how gay my dad was, or any of it and that I meant nothing to her. This shocks me. Because although she wasn't thinking about me when she wrote the facebook status, by expressing the opinions she expressed, how can she not realize that she's personally offending millions of people?

So many people have explained to me that it's really detrimental to take things personally. I understand the reasons for this but I am going to have to disagree with many of them.

My personal life... the life that has defined my personal beliefs is what gives me the motivation and stamina to fight for what I believe in. If I didn't take things personally, I wouldn't have the ability to fight to make a difference. For example, how can I not take Proposition 8 personally? I know that it isn't about me, or my family but it affects me and my family. Even racism... I'm not black and no one has ever offended me based on my race, but I take racism towards other people personally, because I understand what it feels like to be hated or looked down upon. If it weren't for my internalization I would have no basis on which to form my beliefs. I really don't think taking things personally is so terrible.

The other day in class, my teacher was trying to express why he feels uncomfortable when he sees Muslim women dressed in veils. He was having a hard time explaining himself, especially when numerous people in the class began to attack him. He finally explained that as a gay man, he feels personally offended by outward expressions of the Muslim religion because a lot of Muslims believe homosexuality is wrong. He said that when he sees a veil, he immediately thinks that person disapproves of him. He's a very intelligent person and is obviously aware that 1. Not all Muslims disapprove of homosexuality and 2. The women he sees wearing veils obviously do not "hate" him... or even know him for that matter. But I got what he was saying. As politically incorrect as his statement may have been, I understood it because I have felt similarly in the past. He compared the wearing of veils to the wearing of swastikas... and many people in my class freaked out. And ok, it's a shocking thing to say. But how many people have killed homosexuals in the name of Islam? A lot. People killed Jews because they thought it was wrong and detrimental to society to be Jewish. Well... people are killing homosexuals for many of the same reasons. So is it bad for my teacher to have internalized Islam in the way that he has? I really don't know. It's not as if he's walking up to Muslim women ripping veils from their heads or calling them nazis, it's just that he can't help but feel personally offended. And I get that. Even as un-PC as that may be. He feels discriminated against and even if his reasons for feeling discriminated are a bit irrational, if that's what it takes to make him want to change prejudices, then I don't think that's a bad thing.

So what's the difference between my teacher equating veils with swastikas and the girl on facebook calling me and Barack Obama a nazi? Well... I think it's in the way each person decided to express themselves. My teacher was fully aware of his feelings but didn't say "Muslims are like nazis and they all hate me and want to kill me." Because of course, that's irrational. Just like the girls fear that Barack is a nazi is irrational. I think it's vital for us all to internalize things and be aware of our feelings (as irrational as they may be), re-evaluate those feelings and then use them to make a difference. To make this country less prejudiced and less hateful.

I have nothing against people who voted for McCain and understand the reasons for why people did. (Well, some of the reasons.) Even if the girl on facebook had said "Look... For some reason, and I don't know why, but Barack reminds me of a communist." I would have been way less offended and way more willing to have an adult, mature conversation with her.

When personal feelings make you incapable of hearing outside opinions, that's when they become a problem.

But of course I am biased and prejudiced myself. A good example of my prejudice is my disapproval and disgust with organized religion and the ways it alienates and discriminates against certain groups of people. I have absolutely nothing against spirituality or a belief in God and I think that being spiritual can be very positive. But once that belief begins to tell people how to live, who to approve and disapprove of... It becomes a problem. I do not see how it is positive to tell homosexuals they cannot get married in the name of Christianity and therefore, I am prejudiced against the aspects of Christianity that exclude people. I am all about religious freedom and think that everyone should have the right to religion. But NOT when that religion is used as an excuse to hate, exclude, oppress or kill. Therefore, although I am "prejudiced"... I am only prejudiced towards people who are prejudiced themselves.

So, although this of course seems biased... my prejudice, to me does not seem harmful because all I want in life is for everyone to be treated equally. Everyone deserves EQUAL FUCKING RIGHTS! How can people possibly disagree with that? And although I feel so strongly on this issue... I still, on a daily basis, open myself up to hearing the other side. I will never cut someone off or tell them they don't have a right to how they feel. So much of Christianity and Islam conflicts directly with so much of what I believe, but I STILL listen. I still have an open mind and I really, really love to be proven wrong and be forced to re-consider my beliefs.

I just wish everyone felt the same way.

I will end with a excerpt from an article written by Harvey Fierstein that I found to be quite excellent and well-written -

"Listen, my fellow Americans, I am only asking that we get sensible about this controversy. Gays are not asking for religious blessings. We are not asking for everyone to come to our weddings. We are not asking the government to force churches and synagogues to perform marriage rituals or even to allow us into their tax-exempt edifices. We are simply and forcefully demanding equal protection under the laws of this nation as tax paying, voting, property owning citizens. I want no more or less protection than granted any heterosexual to control and distribute my holdings."

Wow.

First of all, let me just say... I am so proud to have voted for the first black president of the United States.

I have started and re-started this entry about 4 times and still have no idea where to begin... so I'll just start writing. Sorry if I sound incoherent.

For half of my entire life, and the whole of my young adult life, we have had a president that I was utterly ashamed and embarrassed of. Because of that, I have really never in my life been able to express any type of patriotism for my country. In all fairness, not only was I unpatriotic, I hated America. I know hate is a very strong word... but I really do believe that it's fitting. When I was 12, and living in Paris, Bush was elected for the first time. I was devastated. I was nearing the age when I began to have an interest in politics and what was going on around me and I felt completely bewildered as to why anyone would want that man to run our country. He stood for so much that directly conflicted with so many of my beliefs and as time went by... I just became more and more ashamed.

America has always been a source of shame for me... especially during the times I've lived in Europe. It is a very, very strange feeling to be in Europe right now and not feel like I have to hide where I'm from. I still don't think America is the greatest country on earth... far from it, but there's no doubt in my mind that we're on the right path. And that's saying a lot because I really don't think Obama's political standings are all that "different" from previous democratic candidates but what I dobelieve is that Obama's character is different than any candidate I've seen in a long, long time. I really think that the way he has handled his campaign thus far and the honesty and genuineness he exhibits can really be key in making the difference we need to make in America.

I am honored to have been a part of this election. Although I know it would have been great to be in America to witness Obama's victory... it was an absolutely amazing experience to be in Amsterdam. I stayed up until 7am watching CNN on a huge screen in the company of people from all over the world screaming and cheering for Obama. It was so, so moving.

Here's proof -


In other news... Micah comes tomorrow! I am so excited to see him and show him around this wonderful city. I think it's going to be pretty rainy this weekend, which sucks, but we'll just have to make do.

Oh, and yesterday I signed my lease and program extension forms and am officially returning to Amsterdam for the spring semester.

I'd also like to thank Christian for being a really amazing person and saying some really sweet things to me today. He wins the boyfriend of the week award, for sure.

So little time left....

Just watched the 30 minute Obama infomercial. Although I'm not sure how I feel about how the use of (a supposed) 3 million dollars on a commercial... it certainly gave me the chills. And ok, I may have choked up.

Big decisions

I have decided to put my livejournal (which I have had since I was 13, and rarely update) to rest and begin anew with this blog.

I have been in Amsterdam now for a little over two months. I immediately fell in love with the city and have grown to love it more and more each day. (Even with the current weather - rain, rain, rain with some freezing cold thrown in there.) I have never before felt so enriched and challenged by an environment or city. Everything about Amsterdam and its culture inspires me and I have learned a great deal about myself, my values and my goals since I've been here.

Because of all of those things, I, as of yesterday, decided that I want to return to Amsterdam for the Spring semester. To be honest, I have wanted to stay ever since I heard it was a possibility but never really admitted it to myself, until yesterday. For the past 24 hours I have been dealing with everything involved with my decision to extend... emotions, logistics, etc and I feel extremely drained, both mentally and physically.

I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. I know that in one and a half months time, I will not be ready to leave for good. And I know that if I do not return, I would feel an immense amount of regret and resent. Of course, my decision to stay has been anything but easy. I feel a lot of guilt toward the fact that I will not be as present as I'd hoped for the band and of course the majority of the guilt/sadness I feel is the fact that I will be away from Christian for more time than originally planned. Although I have been having a terrific experience, it's very hard not to be able to share that experience with him. I know he would love it here too. And I hope that eventually, he will realize that this experience is what's best for me right now and that in the end, it will be what is best for our relationship. However, I am aware that my decision to stay has broken multiple commitments I made previously... and I feel quite awful about that.

But being here has made me realize that you really never know what to expect and that things can change so immediately and so drastically without any warning. (I made my decision to stay in Amsterdam while eating at my favorite soup place, realizing that I did not want the day to come when I would have to have my last cup of soup. That was only the beginning of my reasoning, of course...) As much as I wish I could keep the commitments I made before I left, I feel very passionately about staying here and know that I will be a better person because of it. I am human and humans make mistakes. I made the mistake of underestimating how influential this experience would be on my life, but I cannot suffer and blame myself for that mistake. I have to move forward and continue on the path that I really, truly believe is the best path for me and I hope that soon, everyone will be able to accept that in their own way.

I will still be returning to Nyack for over a month during winter break. (December 18th - January 28th) I am very, very excited to go home for that time. I can't wait to write music, read some books I've been dying to read but haven't had the time, drink chai lattes in starbucks red christmas cups, eat temptations cupcakes (with dana!!) and just be around the people that I love during the holidays. That's all I want for the time I'm home... to spend as much time as possible with the people that I care about. I don't doubt that it will be hard to leave again after that time... but I am very, very confident in my decision.

In the Spring, I plan to take the Dutch course that I didn't take this semester. I also want to join the gym and spend a lot more time outdoors which will be much more possible when tulip season rolls around. The only sad part about staying is that most of my friends from this semester won't be returning for the Spring... but I guess I'll just have to make new ones. (Although my old friends BETTER come visit.)

Alright, well I suppose I'll go make dinner for myself and get ready for museumnacht. (www.n8.nl)

Oh, by the way... I am also getting a tattoo. (My first one.) I'm a tad nervous but mostly very excited for it. I'll provide more details in the near future.

Hope everyone is doing well.

And much love from Amsterdam!