The "right" way.

Tonight my mother took my brother and I to a second night seder at her temple, B'nai Jeshurun. In it's defense and as far as temples go, it's a pretty great place. It's somewhat untraditional with a big focus on music, community, inclusion, etc.

However, despite it's positive aspects (and out of its control), the congregation is not without... to put it kindly - less than pleasant people. We had the terrific pleasure of sitting with some of those people tonight - people that reinforced my distress about religion and the ways religion continually "goes wrong."

In order to make the seder a bit more interesting, each table (there were 14 all together, I think) was given a part of the seder -- the kaddish, the four questions, the reciting of the plagues, etc -- and an adjoining theme -- the environment, freedom, equal rights, etc-- then one person was to be chosen from each table to be the "representative" - to stand up and introduce their tables theme to the rest of the congregation and to maybe include a personal blurb or just something in relation to the theme at hand. Well, our tables theme was gay marriage and the thousands of rights denied to same-sex couples. So, my mom quickly pointed to me and said I should be the designated speaker. I was glad to do it.

Anyway, after trying to get suggestions from the rest of the table (and mostly failing) I suggested some of my own ideas - talking about my personal life, bringing up the idea of sexual citizenship and how it applies to every one of us - not only same-sex couples, talking about governor Paterson's recent announcement to reintroduce same-sex marriage legislation in New York... and well, everything I suggested seemed to fall on deaf ears. "Sexual citizenship? That's too abstract." "I don't think that's really what the rabbi is asking of us..." etc, etc. And of course when I asked for suggestions from everyone else - no one really had any ideas. Then some lady had the nerve to yell across the table saying, "Well there are things we want you to say and we want to make sure they're said." And when I asked what those things were she said, "I don't know, maybe something about the fact that same-sex couples have problems with health insurance." Okay, fine. Happily included.

Then after realizing I was being given dirty looks and addressed in a somewhat demeaning way, I decided it might be best to take some notes on the things I planned on addressing so that I wouldn't forget anything. About halfway through my note-taking, another lady at my table turned to me and said (in a very attacking way) "You can't write! It's passover! You're not supposed to write!" First of all, I had no idea that whole "no work" thing applied to any Jewish holiday aside from Shabbat. Secondly, I was taking notes for the benefit of our table and for the benefit of those specific people at my table so keen on including their points in my little blurb. But alas, I was yelled at for taking notes.

Here I was, volunteering to speak for the entire table, taking notes so that I would leave nothing out and adding in the best way I could to the seder as a whole and I was yelled at for writing? Something about that just didn't seem right. At least not to me. How is that lady yelling at me when I'm doing nothing but positive things for the seder and how does she have the right to tell me I'm wrong? She wasn't the one writing - I was. She knew why I was writing and yet she still felt the need to outwardly address the fact that I was doing something "wrong" when it really couldn't have affected her less.

Anyway - it infuriated me. Not only did I feel belittled when I offered my initial suggestions but then I just felt... attacked. My way of doing things, my way of being "Jewish" wasn't okay with her - SO not okay that she made me put down my pen and stop writing.

If that lady couldn't be accepting and tolerant of people within her own religion, at her same seder table, how on earth could she be accepting of people practicing other faiths? If we can't accept difference within our own community, how would we ever be able to accept difference outside of our comfort zone?

I have never been against religion, per say. But I can't help disliking (and sometimes hating) it for it's ability to discriminate and reinforce a "normal" and an "abnormal"; a "right" and a "wrong."

I don't understand why people aren't always accepted and praised for doing things their own way - regardless of tradition or rule. Rejecting progress, invention and change just seems so counterproductive to me. Our entire universe wouldn't be able to survive without those things and yet one of the largest institutions in our universe - religion - is for the most part in direct conflict with ideas of change and progress.

It's unfortunate - because I think religion and spirituality can often bring great joy and positivity to peoples lives but they are so often linked with hatred, discrimination and fear that the joy and positivity is constantly misused. (The lady at my table found joy, I suppose, in her belief not to write on passover... but she used that belief to contradict and attack me for what I may have found joyful.)

I stopped considering myself Jewish in the religious sense (I still consider myself Jewish in terms of heritage) because I stopped believing in God - but had I not stopped believing in God I would have had to leave religion because of how much harm it does - in my opinion, a lot more harm than good. And a lot of the time the harm can seem insignificant but in fact represents a much larger problem - one that has proved to be quite detrimental to many societies and many people.

I'd like to say that there's hope for religion - but as long as it rejects change and difference, I really don't know.

5 days and counting

So, as you can probably discern from the title... I am leaving Amsterdam in 5 days. It's a strange feeling. Mostly, I am excited to leave and see everyone at home. I'm not as sad about leaving Amsterdam because I know I'll be back. It's strange to know, though that when I do come back, close to no one I know will be here and I'll have to make an entirely new set of friends. But I guess I will deal with that when I have to.

These last 5 days are pretty weird. I have completed all my school work... but I still have two classes left and a bunch of logistical things to do. So when I'm not running around the city renewing my bike contract or signing my residence permit extension... I basically have nothing to do. Most everyone is still working on their papers and I end up sitting in my room feeling anxious and wanting to go home. Plus, my friend Sam already left and people are slowly leaving one by one... it's a strange feeling to still be here when other people are not.

I think I am going to take my friend Alex's extra bed in her room and attach it alongside mine so that I can have a big queen size bed. Not like I need a big bed... but who cares. Why not, right? Maybe it will convince Christian to come visit. Haha.

I think I am also going to buy a tapestry and maybe some Christmas-like lights and go crazy decorating. Just to give me something to do with all this time I'm wasting by sitting around like a lump. I can't decide whether or not I should go to IKEA to buy an extra comforter cover to match the one I already have and put it on my extra comforter... or whether I should just use someone else's that they bought here and having an odd two-toned bed. Ok, it's pathetic that I'm writing about this. Haha. But seriously... maybe I should go to IKEA tomorrow. Hmm.

Oh and I decided, over everything else, why I love the Netherlands so much more than America. America is governed by morality. The Netherlands is governed by practicality. Plain and simple - that's the main (huge) difference. The Netherlands is NOT as liberal as many people think it is. In fact, aside from Amsterdam, most of it ISN'T very liberal. There is a huge bible belt and lots of crazy, conservative Christians. But still, people don't govern with their religion or morality. In fact, that is incredibly looked down upon here. No politician (even from the CDA, the Christian Democratic Appeal whose politics are actually more liberal than much of the American democratic party) would use "God" in a speech or ever use religion as a reason to change a law. The CDA has held the most seats in Dutch parliament for years. They have the word "Christian" in their name and are still considered to be conservative for the Netherlands... but STILL somehow are more liberal than the American Democratic Party. Sure, they will openly say they use the Bible as "inspiration" but that's about as far as they go. Dutch people are shocked to learn that all of our presidents say "God bless America" and publicly announce their faith.


Anyway... to change the subject. At the beginning of the semester we wrote down goals that we hoped to accomplish by the time we leave. In fearing that I would be absolutely miserable here and want to go home, one of my goals was "Not wanting to go home at the end of the semester." Well... haha, I guess I accomplished that cause I'm staying the entire year. Who woulda known.

As excited as I am to go home for the holidays... I'm a bit nervous about returning to the US in general. Reverse culture shock = not fun. I think that's why I originally decided all I wanted to do was stay inside all month. Haha. But now I know I am going to have to go back to work at the Cheesecake factory, which means I have to constantly go to the Palisades mall, which to me, is the epitome of America. Ah. I don't really know how I am going to deal with it. Being ultra friendly to people, hearing English all around, seeing four thousand obese people... yikes. By the way... NO ONE and I really mean no one is fat here. I have literally not seen one fat Dutch person. They obviously got something right because not only are they thin, they are also incredibly tall and good looking.

Ok, I guess I will attempt to do something productive. Like check on my laundry.

I have also officially decided that tomorrow I will go to IKEA to buy a matching bed spread for the extra bed I'll be gaining. I have nothing else to do with my life... so I might as well.

Excuse my outburst....

I know that I should still be basking in the joy of knowing who are next president will be... but over the past few days I have become more and more disturbed at how prejudiced so much of our country really is.

I suppose everyone who voted for McCain, and was disappointed, has a right to be upset. All of us Bush-haters have certainly expressed our anger and frustration over the past 8 years and I suppose the Republicans have that right too. Not suppose, of course they do.

However... Something really weird and disturbing is going on that I've never really seen before. I've talked to many people who have been quite surprised at some of the things popping up on their facebook pages. Status's that read - "HAIL HITLER!! if you voted Obama, congratulations.. your a fucking idiot!! bye bye capitalism, hello communism. at least i voted SMART." Or "Thanks all you nazis for voting for Hitler... we're gonna have a great country now you FUCKING LIBERAL MORONS!"

Ok... so again, people have a right to be upset but in my opinion, this is crossing a line. I got myself involved arguing with someone via facebook (the person who wrote the hail hitler thing) and although I regret getting myself involved, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. In the end, this girl ended up calling me a "liberal homo terrorist communist" and a "hitler loving nazi." Ok, first of all... I'm the nazi? The jew with a major in GLBT studies, with a gay dad, who voted for a black man? Seriously? I'm the nazi? Secondly... Hitler and the nazi party were avidly against communism, so to call anyone a communist nazi doesn't even make sense. And of course, after spewing out all of these historical facts and personal feelings, I got absolutely no where and ended up feeling completely embarrassed that I had wasted a good amount of time trying to prove her wrong. Because I knew from the beginning I would get no where. But how do I not step in? How do I not get personally offended? I don't know the answers to these questions.

So I went through my friends list and started to delete anyone who's status said anything that I believed to be absurdly prejudiced in any way. I did this because I knew that if I didn't, I would start arguing with everyone. And I didn't want to do that.

It's also a very strange feeling to know you've won an argument (hitler wasn't a communist, your status is completely offensive to millions of people, etc) but not have the other person admit they were wrong. Hitler was not a communist and this girl explained to me that my "facts" were "bullshit." I think that's my greatest fault in life... to assume that everyone will be able to admit when they're wrong and to apologize when they say something that offends someone else, regardless of whether or not it was intentional. I was raised with the idea that it's vital to apologize, even when you mean no harm toward others... if someone is hurt by what you've said or done it's so important to acknowledge that persons feelings and learn how to act or express yourself differently in the future. But I guess not everyone believes that. I guess not everyone knows when to back down, or how to re-evaluate the expression of one's own opinions. I always assume that people do and am constantly let down.

I also have a really hard time not taking things personally. This girl on facebook, who I barely know, did not have me in mind when she composed her facebook status. But how could I NOT get personally offended? When I explained to her why I was personally offended, she explained that she didn't give a shit about how Jewish I was, how gay my dad was, or any of it and that I meant nothing to her. This shocks me. Because although she wasn't thinking about me when she wrote the facebook status, by expressing the opinions she expressed, how can she not realize that she's personally offending millions of people?

So many people have explained to me that it's really detrimental to take things personally. I understand the reasons for this but I am going to have to disagree with many of them.

My personal life... the life that has defined my personal beliefs is what gives me the motivation and stamina to fight for what I believe in. If I didn't take things personally, I wouldn't have the ability to fight to make a difference. For example, how can I not take Proposition 8 personally? I know that it isn't about me, or my family but it affects me and my family. Even racism... I'm not black and no one has ever offended me based on my race, but I take racism towards other people personally, because I understand what it feels like to be hated or looked down upon. If it weren't for my internalization I would have no basis on which to form my beliefs. I really don't think taking things personally is so terrible.

The other day in class, my teacher was trying to express why he feels uncomfortable when he sees Muslim women dressed in veils. He was having a hard time explaining himself, especially when numerous people in the class began to attack him. He finally explained that as a gay man, he feels personally offended by outward expressions of the Muslim religion because a lot of Muslims believe homosexuality is wrong. He said that when he sees a veil, he immediately thinks that person disapproves of him. He's a very intelligent person and is obviously aware that 1. Not all Muslims disapprove of homosexuality and 2. The women he sees wearing veils obviously do not "hate" him... or even know him for that matter. But I got what he was saying. As politically incorrect as his statement may have been, I understood it because I have felt similarly in the past. He compared the wearing of veils to the wearing of swastikas... and many people in my class freaked out. And ok, it's a shocking thing to say. But how many people have killed homosexuals in the name of Islam? A lot. People killed Jews because they thought it was wrong and detrimental to society to be Jewish. Well... people are killing homosexuals for many of the same reasons. So is it bad for my teacher to have internalized Islam in the way that he has? I really don't know. It's not as if he's walking up to Muslim women ripping veils from their heads or calling them nazis, it's just that he can't help but feel personally offended. And I get that. Even as un-PC as that may be. He feels discriminated against and even if his reasons for feeling discriminated are a bit irrational, if that's what it takes to make him want to change prejudices, then I don't think that's a bad thing.

So what's the difference between my teacher equating veils with swastikas and the girl on facebook calling me and Barack Obama a nazi? Well... I think it's in the way each person decided to express themselves. My teacher was fully aware of his feelings but didn't say "Muslims are like nazis and they all hate me and want to kill me." Because of course, that's irrational. Just like the girls fear that Barack is a nazi is irrational. I think it's vital for us all to internalize things and be aware of our feelings (as irrational as they may be), re-evaluate those feelings and then use them to make a difference. To make this country less prejudiced and less hateful.

I have nothing against people who voted for McCain and understand the reasons for why people did. (Well, some of the reasons.) Even if the girl on facebook had said "Look... For some reason, and I don't know why, but Barack reminds me of a communist." I would have been way less offended and way more willing to have an adult, mature conversation with her.

When personal feelings make you incapable of hearing outside opinions, that's when they become a problem.

But of course I am biased and prejudiced myself. A good example of my prejudice is my disapproval and disgust with organized religion and the ways it alienates and discriminates against certain groups of people. I have absolutely nothing against spirituality or a belief in God and I think that being spiritual can be very positive. But once that belief begins to tell people how to live, who to approve and disapprove of... It becomes a problem. I do not see how it is positive to tell homosexuals they cannot get married in the name of Christianity and therefore, I am prejudiced against the aspects of Christianity that exclude people. I am all about religious freedom and think that everyone should have the right to religion. But NOT when that religion is used as an excuse to hate, exclude, oppress or kill. Therefore, although I am "prejudiced"... I am only prejudiced towards people who are prejudiced themselves.

So, although this of course seems biased... my prejudice, to me does not seem harmful because all I want in life is for everyone to be treated equally. Everyone deserves EQUAL FUCKING RIGHTS! How can people possibly disagree with that? And although I feel so strongly on this issue... I still, on a daily basis, open myself up to hearing the other side. I will never cut someone off or tell them they don't have a right to how they feel. So much of Christianity and Islam conflicts directly with so much of what I believe, but I STILL listen. I still have an open mind and I really, really love to be proven wrong and be forced to re-consider my beliefs.

I just wish everyone felt the same way.

I will end with a excerpt from an article written by Harvey Fierstein that I found to be quite excellent and well-written -

"Listen, my fellow Americans, I am only asking that we get sensible about this controversy. Gays are not asking for religious blessings. We are not asking for everyone to come to our weddings. We are not asking the government to force churches and synagogues to perform marriage rituals or even to allow us into their tax-exempt edifices. We are simply and forcefully demanding equal protection under the laws of this nation as tax paying, voting, property owning citizens. I want no more or less protection than granted any heterosexual to control and distribute my holdings."