Two days left.

In a recent mothers day letter, I wrote to my mom that the greatest lesson she (and my dad) had ever taught me was to "be where you are you." If you are wishing you were someplace else, or unhappy with where you are (either physically or emotionally), there's normally nothing you can do about it. You're stuck in a place that you'd rather not be in - but you can't help it. The best thing I've learned, is that no matter what and no matter how unhappy you may be, the best thing to do is just... accept it.

When I first came to Amsterdam, I was horrified. Not about the city itself (I'd been to Europe enough for it not to freak me out) but mostly horrified at the thought of missing things. Missing friends, Christian, my family... I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get my mind off of the things I missed and therefore, wouldn't be able to enjoy my time here as much as I'd wanted. Well, the truth is, I thought about those things every single day. I missed them... and I couldn't make that disappear.

BUT...

I learned to just accept it.

I was somehow able to accept the fact that there were things I missed, people I wanted to see and things I wanted to do... and still take full advantage of my 8 months here.

I traveled to 7 cities in the Netherlands aside from Amsterdam - Gouda, Rotterdam, Schiermonnikoog, Gronigen, Den Haag, Utrecht & Leiden. I went to Berlin, Antwerp, Brugge, Paris, Barcelona, Prague, Copenhagen and Malmo. And each and every one of them was AMAZING.

I got straight As in every single one of my classes last semester (and probably will this semester as well) while simultaneously traveling to 15 cities (7 countries) and exploring Amsterdam pretty damn thoroughly.

Despite my "success"... it's also probably important to say that it was really hard. I can't say I accomplished every single thing I wanted to. I think that had I gotten out of bed those few times or went out those nights I decided to stay in, I could have done more. But, I needed that time alone and I think it helped me to balance everything. I've never lived in such a demanding or "stimulating" environment and I am fine with having sacrificed a little exploration for some alone time. Either way, I think I did pretty damn well.

And I survived. Both physically and emotionally and am going back to America in one piece.

I am going to miss a lot of things about Amsterdam. I honestly believe that this city is THE prettiest on earth. Especially at this time of year. The light doesn't leave the sky entirely until at least 11pm and the light reappears at 4am. That's only 5 hours of night. And it's amazing. The days feel incredibly long (because they are) and the weather has been magnificent. On top of it being the prettiest city it's also the most practical. At least for me. From the social policies to the size of the grocery store, everything just makes sense. (Okay, the only thing that doesn't make sense are the no free tap water rules and no refill rules) but other than that, everything else just... works. The bikes, the city structure (canals), the quaintness of everything... I am really, really going to miss it.

But I know that my life will be in America. I learned an unimaginable amount of things here and I will bring those things back with me. I always knew Amsterdam wasn't permanent and although I prolonged it as much as I could, I am ready to go home. And I don't feel bad about saying that because I know I did as much as I could to take advantage of this experience.

I had an absolutely amazing time in Amsterdam. I met some amazing people, some terrible people and had so many unforgettable experiences... both good and bad. I definitely made some mistakes, but it was all worth it. Because I'm happy now. And I know what I want.

And now, with only two days left in this city... I am going OUT. It sickens me to know that there are people here that aren't taking full advantage of their last days... shame on them. Especially with the beautiful weather, there are no excuses.

Go, Go, Go!!!

Life's been really, really wonderful. Despite the piles and piles of work forming in all corners of my room, I am slowly but surely getting through all of it. And thankfully, I have simultaneously been able to make time for living my last three weeks in Amsterdam to the fullest. My goal is to finish all of my work by May 28th and have my remaining week here (until June 4th) reserved for exploring and enjoying Amsterdam. I, in no way, want to spend my last days here stuck in my room or in the library... this city is the best city in the world and it deserves complete exploration and appreciation.

Some things on my to-do list are -
1. Starry Night @ the Van Gogh museum.
2. World Press Photo exhibit.
3. Indonesian one last time at Kantjil & de Tijger
4. Foam to see the new NY Perspectives exhibit. (Amsterdam discovered by NY Photographers)
5. Amsterdam Brunch Weekend @ the Supperclub.
6. Go to FEBO!! (Bitterballen and other such deliciousness... out of a vending machine? Yeah. That's right. The Dutch know what's up.)

.... and more to come.

Time for the amazing, amazing farmers market @ Noordermark.

Queen's Day, 2009.

Yesterday made me realize that I have officially fallen in love with Amsterdam. It's my home - and I will be very, very sad to leave.

Papers.

So, I guess it's about halfway through the semester (ah), which has got me inevitably thinking about final papers. Thankfully, I have some ideas that I'm pretty excited about.

Religion and/as Media -
I think that for this class, I am going to write my paper focusing on televangelism. Although I'd like to talk about both Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, I think I'll end up having to pick one or the other. So, given that I am exceedingly intrigued by Focus on the Family... I'll most likely end up choosing James Dobson. (However, I volunteered to give a presentation for this class on a reading about Jerry Falwell* so at least I'll be able to fit some research in about him that way.) I just re-watched one of my favorite movies today (For The Bible Tells Me So) and got pretty re-inspired to write this paper. Although, I imagine that doing research for this will often put in me in very bad moods and leave pretty awful tastes in my mouth. Either way, I'm looking forward to it.

Moving Manhood -
American undergraduate fraternities and their ability to create an established and powerful masculine discourse through a variety of rituals, traditions and ceremonies. I have always been really curious about fraternities (and how they relate to gender and sexuality) but never really sought to do any research about them. I often just viewed Greek life in general as this bizarre and alien world that I could never associate with or understand but after doing a lot of other reading for this class, I'm inspired to finally try and understand what has always seemed so foreign to me. Interviewing some of the students in my program who go to schools that have a lot of greek life is what I'm most excited for - since I literally have had no experience with any sororities or fraternities. (Oh, to be a sheltered Sarah Lawrence student.)

Meaning of Having Children From Cross-Cultural Perspectives -
So, what's interesting about this class is that well, it has yet to begin.** Ha. So, clearly I'm jumping the gun a little on this one. Truthfully, the teacher may not even want us to write a paper... although, I think that's doubtful. Either way, I think I'd write about something having to do with same sex couples and legal rights concerning adoption and/or raising children? We'll see.

In other news, this is what the weather looks like for the next week -


Sooo.... that sucks. The new beautiful days we had a week ago were such a tease.


* "Falwell" shows up on my computer as an incorrect spelling and one of the suggestions it gives is "falafel." Jerry Falafel. Much more fitting. Although I'm not sure Jerry Falwell even deserves to be associated with such a delicious food.
** This class isn't supposed to start until April 20th and end before the 4th of June. Don't ask me how this is possible or how I'm possibly getting full credit for a little over a month of class but hey... I'm not about to complain.

Welcome to wonderful.

This weekend I spent in Scandinavia with my friends Thomas and Marlee. It was amazing. Possibly one of the best trips I've ever taken. I never expected to go to Denmark or Sweden, so to go to both of them in the course of three days was really exciting. I wish I had been able to stay longer - but perhaps I'll go back someday.



Highlights -
1. Staying in my mom's friend Nina's beautiful apartment in the center of Copenhagen. Cooking potato, broccoli and cheese casseroles and listening to Tina Turner and Stevie Wonder records on repeat.
2. Going to SWEDEN and going to H&M and Ikea. Malmo, the city we went to in Sweden, was beautiful. And cheap.
3. Going to the Louisiana museum and deciding I'd like to live there someday.
4. Loving Denmark and Sweden... but realizing that no where compares to Amsterdam.


In other news, I've been thinking more about the summer. Basically, I need to work and I need to not pay rent. But I've also been thinking that I'd like to spend some time on the West Coast - just because I think it will be nice to have a change. Especially if I'll be living at home next year during school (which seems like it will happen) it will be nice to be somewhere else for the summer. A buffer between Amsterdam and coming home for good. So, then the only three things standing in my way are 1. a place to live, 2. a way to get there and 3. a job. My mom seems to think I have a free place to stay - plus I have lots of friends and could also stay with them. However, it would be nice to also have my own home-base where I don't feel like I'm intruding on everyone else. In terms of a way to get there... I always thought I would fly but it seems to make a lot more sense to drive there. Firstly, it would be terrific to have a car while I'm there and secondly, I could drive across the country on my own and visit a bunch of friends along the way. That in itself seems amazing. In terms of a job... I've worked at two places that have LA locations (Cheesecake Factory and Lucky Strike) so I could most likely get jobs at those places or look for something new entirely. Either way... it all seems like it could potentially piece itself together. And the possible road trip seems amazing.

I've postponed all of the things I've had to get done today thus far and I think I should go get them done...

Until next time.

Oh and PS - I now have a computer again. And not only a computer but a brand new silver Macbook. It was completely worth the two week wait.

I'm completely unsure of... everything.

I promised myself I wouldn't update this until I got settled in here again and started classes. But, here we are. I obviously have no will power in this area.

First of all, I am still very much in love with this city.

However, being a second-semester student here surrounded by a bunch of new people has so far been awkward, disheartening and confusing. Perhaps my memory is wrong, but last semester I remember clicking with people instantly and instantly feeling like I wouldn't have a hard time making friends. This semester, not so much. Partly, I think this is because the 3 other full year students and I don't really fit anywhere. We're comfortable in the city but all of our friends have left so in a way we're all new again and looking for new people and new experiences. Plus, we are unavoidably comparing everyone that's new this semester to the people we got close with last semester. (Maybe I shouldn't be talking for everyone... but I'm pretty positive from what I've heard that we all feel the same way.) So, we're kinda new but kinda not. Plus, all of the orientation activities aren't required of us - nor is it necessary for us to go to nearly any of them. So I've been showing up at some things but not others... and someone who disappears for the majority of the day and only shows up once if at all per day isn't someone that anyone is really going to remember. On top of which, we're kind of being treated as "leaders" by our program staff... which isn't something any of us really signed up for. I'm happy of course to help out everyone that's new but not on this awkward last minute/we're not really needed basis.

I don't know why I'm surprised at how different this semester is so far - I knew it would be different. I guess I just didn't know in what ways.

I'm trying to stay positive and just believe that everything will eventually work itself out and I will find different things to focus on - things that weren't available to me last semester. For instance, a job. I might become a tour guide. I went on one of the tours today and I have really mixed feelings. First of all, it was fucking freezing. Second of all, although it was good, I know my tour wouldn't be anything like the tour I went on today, because obviously I have my own style and personality. I'm just hoping that I'm good enough to do something like that. Thirdly, it seems like a lot of work - there is a script you work off of but its kind of up to you to add info and do your own research. And lastly... (well, the major tour I'd be working) is a free tour. Which means I'd be working off of tips. So obviously, there are very good days but also very bad days. I'm just wondering if I want to put in all this effort to work a couple days a week and possibly make no money sometimes. Overall, though... I DO want to make money and maybe I should do this even though it seems like a challenge. We'll see... I'll make a decision tomorrow or the next day.

Anyway, I'm anxious (to say the least) about the upcoming semester. I'm excited now to start classes (although I just learned there may be a slight problem with one of them and I may not be able to take it... which is really unfortunate) and get things going so that I have something to focus on. Plus, although it's been hard because I've been especially busy and exhausted I am planning on going to the gym at least 5 times a week. (I can get free personal training! How awesome is that?!) Hopefully even if I don't make an army of friends I'll have enough things to do to keep me busy.

Okay... so I feel like I'm acting a lot more hopeful than I actually am. To be honest, I'm pretty terrified of having a terrible time. I don't know how I met such amazing people last semester and I'm worried that it won't happen again. I'm such a nervous wreck about wanting things to work themselves out... it's just so easy to expect the worst and really hard to just expect things will get better.

Anyway, today was a really rough day. Especially since it started with me having the really awesome idea of taking a multi-vitamin, a vitamin-c vitamin, a birth control pill and airborne all on an empty stomach and then scarfing down a banana. I threw up about 5 minutes later then immediately had to leave to go spend 4 hours walking around Amsterdam in the freezing cold. So, I was going to go out tonight and try to be social again but I'm just way too exhausted and equally unenthusiastic to do anything or go anywhere.

Okay, enough with this complaining.

Oh, and PS - Christian convinced me to take one picture of myself, per every day that I'm here and post them weekly. So, get ready for that... which will begin on Tuesday. Ha.

So, I've been home in NY for a little over a month and this afternoon I am leaving for Amsterdam once again.

After coming back from there a month ago, everything seemed so familiar and normal back home that Amsterdam and all the people I met there felt like a dream. But now that I'm going back, it makes it a lot less dream-like. Which I guess is good?

Oddly enough, I feel a lot more nervous going to Amsterdam this time than I did the last time. Last time I had no idea what to expect, so I didn't really have anything to be nervous about. But this time, I am afraid that I won't be as infiltrated in the "group" as I was before. Group meaning CIEE. There were 40 students last semester and there are 60 this year. Some of them were placed in housing further away than anyone was last semester. (I feel bad for them. Location seems to make or break peoples experience in Amsterdam.) Not only are people more spread out around the city, but because I have already been there and because I won't be able to or won't want to participate in all of the orientation activities, I feel like I'll be a lot more isolated. I don't actually think I'll make no friends - but I doubt I'll find three awesome CIEE people who live next door to me, like I did last time. I guess I just have to accept that it will be different... but that's easier said than done. Worse comes to worse, I love the city... even if I'm alone in it.

I'm a little nervous about classes but not too much. I made it through last time... I guess I can do it again. The classes I'm taking are -
1. Moving Manhood (A class about masculinity and how it's perceived around the world.)
2. The Meaning of Having Children in Different Cultures (Pretty self-explanatory.)
3. Religion and/as Media (Not quite sure what this class will be like... but it seems awesome.)
4. Beginning Dutch (Skipped out on it last semester - if it weren't for this class, I would only have class Monday-Wednesday like last semester... but I have to at least try to learn Dutch, even if it's only offered on Thursdays.)

In terms of school, I'm really really glad I chose to go to Amsterdam and chose to stay there for the whole year. They offer so many more classes than Sarah Lawrence does in terms of what I want to study - Gender/Sexuality. So as crappy as it is to be away from people and miss them - academically, Amsterdam was definitely the right choice.

Speaking of which, given that after this year I'll only have one more year of college... I have begun to casually contemplate my future and how it relates to what I've spent my life doing during these past years. I have no idea (well, I have a couple ideas) about how I would do what I want to do but, I want to somehow severely alter the content and teaching techniques of sexual education in America, beginning in elementary school. Hopefully next fall I can get some kind of internship that will hopefully give me more insight into how I could eventually attempt to do what I want to do. And then how to tackle my desire of still wanting to pursue both acting and the band... and trying to hopefully find some way to tie them all in.

Anyway, enough about that.

My goals for this semester in Amsterdam are -
1. Be more confident that things will eventually work themselves out.
2. Eat significantly healthier than I have in a long time and go to the gym as much as possible. I always used to deny that eating healthy and going to the gym actually made me feel "better" and "happier"... but I really miss it. (My triumph over unhealthy foods will be quite difficult, I imagine... but I'll do it... hopefully.)
3. Get a job? I hope so.
4. I'll be ready to go home. Although that's not so much a goal - I already know I'll be ready to come home.
5. Writing music -- shut up Christian.
6. Eat an incredible amount of pumpkin soup from soup en zo.

Okay, next post will come from Nederland. Weird.

5 days and counting

So, as you can probably discern from the title... I am leaving Amsterdam in 5 days. It's a strange feeling. Mostly, I am excited to leave and see everyone at home. I'm not as sad about leaving Amsterdam because I know I'll be back. It's strange to know, though that when I do come back, close to no one I know will be here and I'll have to make an entirely new set of friends. But I guess I will deal with that when I have to.

These last 5 days are pretty weird. I have completed all my school work... but I still have two classes left and a bunch of logistical things to do. So when I'm not running around the city renewing my bike contract or signing my residence permit extension... I basically have nothing to do. Most everyone is still working on their papers and I end up sitting in my room feeling anxious and wanting to go home. Plus, my friend Sam already left and people are slowly leaving one by one... it's a strange feeling to still be here when other people are not.

I think I am going to take my friend Alex's extra bed in her room and attach it alongside mine so that I can have a big queen size bed. Not like I need a big bed... but who cares. Why not, right? Maybe it will convince Christian to come visit. Haha.

I think I am also going to buy a tapestry and maybe some Christmas-like lights and go crazy decorating. Just to give me something to do with all this time I'm wasting by sitting around like a lump. I can't decide whether or not I should go to IKEA to buy an extra comforter cover to match the one I already have and put it on my extra comforter... or whether I should just use someone else's that they bought here and having an odd two-toned bed. Ok, it's pathetic that I'm writing about this. Haha. But seriously... maybe I should go to IKEA tomorrow. Hmm.

Oh and I decided, over everything else, why I love the Netherlands so much more than America. America is governed by morality. The Netherlands is governed by practicality. Plain and simple - that's the main (huge) difference. The Netherlands is NOT as liberal as many people think it is. In fact, aside from Amsterdam, most of it ISN'T very liberal. There is a huge bible belt and lots of crazy, conservative Christians. But still, people don't govern with their religion or morality. In fact, that is incredibly looked down upon here. No politician (even from the CDA, the Christian Democratic Appeal whose politics are actually more liberal than much of the American democratic party) would use "God" in a speech or ever use religion as a reason to change a law. The CDA has held the most seats in Dutch parliament for years. They have the word "Christian" in their name and are still considered to be conservative for the Netherlands... but STILL somehow are more liberal than the American Democratic Party. Sure, they will openly say they use the Bible as "inspiration" but that's about as far as they go. Dutch people are shocked to learn that all of our presidents say "God bless America" and publicly announce their faith.


Anyway... to change the subject. At the beginning of the semester we wrote down goals that we hoped to accomplish by the time we leave. In fearing that I would be absolutely miserable here and want to go home, one of my goals was "Not wanting to go home at the end of the semester." Well... haha, I guess I accomplished that cause I'm staying the entire year. Who woulda known.

As excited as I am to go home for the holidays... I'm a bit nervous about returning to the US in general. Reverse culture shock = not fun. I think that's why I originally decided all I wanted to do was stay inside all month. Haha. But now I know I am going to have to go back to work at the Cheesecake factory, which means I have to constantly go to the Palisades mall, which to me, is the epitome of America. Ah. I don't really know how I am going to deal with it. Being ultra friendly to people, hearing English all around, seeing four thousand obese people... yikes. By the way... NO ONE and I really mean no one is fat here. I have literally not seen one fat Dutch person. They obviously got something right because not only are they thin, they are also incredibly tall and good looking.

Ok, I guess I will attempt to do something productive. Like check on my laundry.

I have also officially decided that tomorrow I will go to IKEA to buy a matching bed spread for the extra bed I'll be gaining. I have nothing else to do with my life... so I might as well.

Wow.

First of all, let me just say... I am so proud to have voted for the first black president of the United States.

I have started and re-started this entry about 4 times and still have no idea where to begin... so I'll just start writing. Sorry if I sound incoherent.

For half of my entire life, and the whole of my young adult life, we have had a president that I was utterly ashamed and embarrassed of. Because of that, I have really never in my life been able to express any type of patriotism for my country. In all fairness, not only was I unpatriotic, I hated America. I know hate is a very strong word... but I really do believe that it's fitting. When I was 12, and living in Paris, Bush was elected for the first time. I was devastated. I was nearing the age when I began to have an interest in politics and what was going on around me and I felt completely bewildered as to why anyone would want that man to run our country. He stood for so much that directly conflicted with so many of my beliefs and as time went by... I just became more and more ashamed.

America has always been a source of shame for me... especially during the times I've lived in Europe. It is a very, very strange feeling to be in Europe right now and not feel like I have to hide where I'm from. I still don't think America is the greatest country on earth... far from it, but there's no doubt in my mind that we're on the right path. And that's saying a lot because I really don't think Obama's political standings are all that "different" from previous democratic candidates but what I dobelieve is that Obama's character is different than any candidate I've seen in a long, long time. I really think that the way he has handled his campaign thus far and the honesty and genuineness he exhibits can really be key in making the difference we need to make in America.

I am honored to have been a part of this election. Although I know it would have been great to be in America to witness Obama's victory... it was an absolutely amazing experience to be in Amsterdam. I stayed up until 7am watching CNN on a huge screen in the company of people from all over the world screaming and cheering for Obama. It was so, so moving.

Here's proof -


In other news... Micah comes tomorrow! I am so excited to see him and show him around this wonderful city. I think it's going to be pretty rainy this weekend, which sucks, but we'll just have to make do.

Oh, and yesterday I signed my lease and program extension forms and am officially returning to Amsterdam for the spring semester.

I'd also like to thank Christian for being a really amazing person and saying some really sweet things to me today. He wins the boyfriend of the week award, for sure.

Big decisions

I have decided to put my livejournal (which I have had since I was 13, and rarely update) to rest and begin anew with this blog.

I have been in Amsterdam now for a little over two months. I immediately fell in love with the city and have grown to love it more and more each day. (Even with the current weather - rain, rain, rain with some freezing cold thrown in there.) I have never before felt so enriched and challenged by an environment or city. Everything about Amsterdam and its culture inspires me and I have learned a great deal about myself, my values and my goals since I've been here.

Because of all of those things, I, as of yesterday, decided that I want to return to Amsterdam for the Spring semester. To be honest, I have wanted to stay ever since I heard it was a possibility but never really admitted it to myself, until yesterday. For the past 24 hours I have been dealing with everything involved with my decision to extend... emotions, logistics, etc and I feel extremely drained, both mentally and physically.

I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. I know that in one and a half months time, I will not be ready to leave for good. And I know that if I do not return, I would feel an immense amount of regret and resent. Of course, my decision to stay has been anything but easy. I feel a lot of guilt toward the fact that I will not be as present as I'd hoped for the band and of course the majority of the guilt/sadness I feel is the fact that I will be away from Christian for more time than originally planned. Although I have been having a terrific experience, it's very hard not to be able to share that experience with him. I know he would love it here too. And I hope that eventually, he will realize that this experience is what's best for me right now and that in the end, it will be what is best for our relationship. However, I am aware that my decision to stay has broken multiple commitments I made previously... and I feel quite awful about that.

But being here has made me realize that you really never know what to expect and that things can change so immediately and so drastically without any warning. (I made my decision to stay in Amsterdam while eating at my favorite soup place, realizing that I did not want the day to come when I would have to have my last cup of soup. That was only the beginning of my reasoning, of course...) As much as I wish I could keep the commitments I made before I left, I feel very passionately about staying here and know that I will be a better person because of it. I am human and humans make mistakes. I made the mistake of underestimating how influential this experience would be on my life, but I cannot suffer and blame myself for that mistake. I have to move forward and continue on the path that I really, truly believe is the best path for me and I hope that soon, everyone will be able to accept that in their own way.

I will still be returning to Nyack for over a month during winter break. (December 18th - January 28th) I am very, very excited to go home for that time. I can't wait to write music, read some books I've been dying to read but haven't had the time, drink chai lattes in starbucks red christmas cups, eat temptations cupcakes (with dana!!) and just be around the people that I love during the holidays. That's all I want for the time I'm home... to spend as much time as possible with the people that I care about. I don't doubt that it will be hard to leave again after that time... but I am very, very confident in my decision.

In the Spring, I plan to take the Dutch course that I didn't take this semester. I also want to join the gym and spend a lot more time outdoors which will be much more possible when tulip season rolls around. The only sad part about staying is that most of my friends from this semester won't be returning for the Spring... but I guess I'll just have to make new ones. (Although my old friends BETTER come visit.)

Alright, well I suppose I'll go make dinner for myself and get ready for museumnacht. (www.n8.nl)

Oh, by the way... I am also getting a tattoo. (My first one.) I'm a tad nervous but mostly very excited for it. I'll provide more details in the near future.

Hope everyone is doing well.

And much love from Amsterdam!